Everything I've been trying *not* to say about Dating Apps for (Feminine) Women

Women in my fields ask me about online dating all the time.... (Part 1)

Dating apps are no place for *Feminine* women.

I am very well aware that there are thousands of exceptions that have resulted in happy partnerships, marriages and families (Praise God!) -- but what women need to understand is that Dating Apps are *DESIGNED* to be a feeding ground for men -- and one that wreaks further havoc on the ORGANIC FEMININE spirit and heart because the entire system is rigged to reward the Masculine -- *including* over-generous, performative (and sadly, often traumatized) Masculine *women*.

This is very well hidden in the topside interfaces of these marketplaces, but there is an epigenetic imprint that is deeply embedded inside these world-spaces that deeply favors the experience of Men, because these synthetic systems are built on Masculiinized foundations, energetics, and reward systems.

Did you know that the entire provenance and DNA of the online dating world was designed in service to Gay Men / Hook - Up Culture? (Which to this day, it meets those needs and desires of this particular demographic FABULOUSLY! )

This is actually an example of brilliant and rightful "Product to Market Fit". But....when these apps then 'evolved' (Frankensteined) to meet the desire of the hetero-sexual marketplace, a major wildcard was introduced into their tectonic plates:

*THE FEMININE*.

Once women were introduced into these systems, the valuation of these companies *skyrocketed*. Millions and millions and millions of dollars in profit. This wasn't just a simple experience of 'product extension" -- what was introduced into these businesses is the eternal jackpot:

FEMININE DESIRE.

Actually, its even more precise and potent than Feminine Desire -- its FEMININE LONGING.

Feminine Longing is the Sacrificial Lamb *AND* the Cash Cow of Malignant Capitalism.

The moment the TRUE, INNOCENT, ETERNAL longing of the Feminine Heart touches 'the marketplace', it suddenly becomes a Capitalistic Feeding Frenzy.

((Nothing else even comes close. )

Look around you.....whatever exists in the DEPTHS of the longing of a Woman's Heart becomes radically contorted, monetized and consumed by Capitalism, and by the egoic, greedy, power-hungry *distorted* Masculine template that lives within us all.

The Masculine (within men AND women) makes Bank on the back of the Feminine. (This is zero % accusatory of men, btw....this is the template of the Distorted Masculine / Dark Consumptive King within ALL of us.)

If I could wave a magic wand, I'd whisk all Feminine Women off the dating Apps. Poof. No mas dating app for you, Loves!

You deserve to have your Yin + Deep Feminine Nature PROTECTED by a 'system' or team that is designed to cherish and *honor* the precious codes of the Deep Feminine.

Moden Matchmakers are one such 'construct' that establishes this layer of protection and curation for the Feminine Heart.

But sadly, eventually this would become (if it has not already) an insatiable Capitalistic bloodhound ...because Feminine longing is THE primordial money shot.

Create a system that keeps its finger on the clit of Feminine LONGING, and you have a self-sourced Money Making Machine for the ages. It feels truly tragic to me...and of course, is all part of the great cosmic spectacle of our incarnation.

I totally know that many beautiful marriages, families and long term partnerships have been consecrated on dating apps (Hallelujah!) AND this does not create equivalency that these layers of our modern society are rightful for Feminine Women.

The energetic reality is....they never have been...and they are *still* not the rightful place for a woman who is organically saturated with deep Feminine coding to be protected and "properly" courted.

The energetic carnage and Masculinization of women's hearts, Eros, and scarcity-skewed, competitive mindset is heartbreaking to witness.

I also totally know + have full faith that God works in mysterious ways, and when it is the appointed hour for you to meet your Love, your Love you shall meet -- whether on Tinder or on the beaches of Tulum!

And yet -- Feminine women deserve to meet men who have been VETTED *if not by an actual Father/Uncle/Masculine Seer* (as this layer of covering and protecting has tragically been very lost in our modern "culture") -- then at least by an protective 'agent' in the role or form of a skillful, CHERISHING-OF-THE-FEMININE MatchMaker / Auntie / Father Principle who can CURATE the sorts of Masculine frequencies these women are chronically exposed to inside the apps.

I see the injury, disorientation, and extraction of Shakti that occurs within the genetics of these apps (meaning that they are INTENTIONALY CODED THIS WAY) and how Feminine women are very often over-exposed, unprotected, over-generous, driven to performative, contorted, over-functioning behavior, and are churned through too many "casual" (even WORSE) connections with men.

The intentional undercurrent of fear injected into the algorithms of losing one of the "good men" on these sites drive far too many women to be sexual with men before their heart is ready. The bait to abandon herself, and her deeper values due to compression, scarcity and fear is (brilliantly, tragically) *engineered* into the customer journey.

This chronic over-exposure to this particular layer of Masculine consciousness who consumes the Feminine through online dating apps *EVEN WHEN HE IS WELL-INTENTIONED* is simply not in service to the heart, the values, the virtue, or the sex of Women.

In completion, I will share that I believe that women who are serious about creating long term partnership with a psychically, financially, and erotically mature Man who is *also serious* about finding a woman to create his life with may want to consider investing her money into MatchMaking services.

I like that these services *at least* place a vibrational red velvet rope around her Feminine and an energetic moat around her Yin. She is protected from the over-exposure to Yang whirlpools of unvetted Masculine energy. She is also protected (in theory) from making choices that are extractive or consumptive of her own Yin nature because of the FULLNESS of her Heart's longing.

I do not have this personal experience from dating, but I very much faced this gauntlet and aspect of my own Self from journeying the Fertility world, and I will tell you that there when a woman is consumed with her own Longing, she loses the capacity for TRUE discernment. This does not make her a victim -- but this does make her temporarily

NOT * emotionally -- or finanically* sober (and truthfully, perhaps even sane!)

I know that Matchmaking is its own industry built on the back of Feminine longing and desire....but....my sense is that it replicates a more organic system that has been sadly lost in the sands of time of our modern 'culture' (ie: vetting the men who have access to a woman's precious, vulnerable heart, womb, and primordial Yin) -- and that this investment into an *imperfect* dome of protection and covering is likely a valuable way of caring for and cherishing the longing of the heart of her Woman. This is not an overt recommendation but moreso, an offering of a possible alternative for those who feel resonance.

It is my prayer that this be of service to the Feminine Heart. 🌹

Because of HIM

There is a way

that I wish women

who so fiercely decree

that 'its not a man's job to heal a woman'

understood

that while this is 'true',

there is a depth of healing that ONLY a man

and the heart that throbs inside his sex

can create for a woman.

And should She choose

to transcend this 'correctness'

and (dare to) open to receive the obliterative penetration of His Light,

HE WILL HEAL HER.

And even more stunningly,

this long arm of time

reaches through her woman-body

to the places within her that are

(yes) little girl....tiny infant....microscopic embryo....

as these far-flung places

of almost unbearable youngness

are HER.

(In this very moment of pure, story-less Now,

these tender biologic Feminine fledglings

dwell inside the same psycho-erotic trinity as her Woman:

ie: her system, her psyche and her sex.)

Women who have not received this anointing

misunderstand + malign

(so many things)

but I think,

most especially and perhaps sadly,

the lived experience of the primordial alchemy of the

Co-Creational Principle of the Masculine:

(Masculine) Man BIRTHS (Feminine) Woman.

There is a deeper magic, even still:

There are Ancient Souled men

anchored in the non-egoic truth

and supernatural power

of His consciousness and His cock

who can reach beyond Woman...

and little girl and infant and embryo...

and through His Making of Love and the depth

of His spiritual and sexual penetration

(which cannot be separated at this level of alchemy),

HE heals the Feminine through HER.

As She lies in the Kingdom

of His Consciousness,

splayed open in ecstasy and Remembrance,

through her emptiness,

a mystical erotic epigenetic healing occurs.

She becomes the I AM quintessence of

"She who has been healed by HIM.”

And in these simultaneous dimensions of consciousness,

Her blood and spiritual Mother/s and GrandMother/s are healed through Her ~

BECAUSE OF HIM.

There is a Soul Essence lineage of women on this planet who are divinely time-stamped

to re-member

that the only way She can be fully awakened into ‘The Feminine' is to be *birthed*

by the Mortal Masculine.

It is irrevocably etched in Her Goldprint

to receive the spiritual patterning of HIM

All The Way Through:

far beyond the mental gates....

beyond flesh and even psyche........

to the place of Soul.

Here, God becomes Sex.

(Sex becomes God.)

As Her woman-body convulses and dies

one thousand deaths of ecstatic 'dissolutio'.....

or in a moment of top-shelf creational delight,

He releases, fattened and heavy with seed in swollen stillness inside of Her.

The mystically-endowed tissues

of vulva and pussy and womb rejoice,

suckling on the insemination of His Consciousness:

a truly divine, carnal fractal of Heaven on Earth.

Here, She becomes the sacred No-thing....

the ALCHEMY itself.

Not through 'doing', but by Being

One of the supreme

Sky-Dancing emanations of the Feminine,

rejoicing in the ecstatic, creational, obliterative

Receiving of Him.

Through Him,

BECAUSE OF HIM

SHE heals.

The original post on Facebook can be found here.

FEMININE EROS IS TERRIBLE NEWS FOR THE FEMININE EGO

Every time I enter a state of arrogance and righteousness with Max and communicate to him from that metallic mental plane and inflamed solar plexus (where our egoic sense of 'selfhood' vibrationally dwells within the body), I deprive myself.

In choosing that searing moment of egoic gratification and rightness, I single-handedly destroy my own bliss.  

No matter what it looks like EXTERNALLY, every time (literally...EVERY TIME), I choose my preference or my entitlement over my Eros and my surrender, I physically ache.  

And by "I" -- I mean the Feminine creature within me that sources herself in Eros, in the ecstasy of surrender, and in Love.  

Eros, Ecstasy and Surrender are not Light frequencies. 

My most chthonic and hungry desires require something with far more gravitas and complexity than the ‘Lightness’ of happiness and pleasure.  

Every time I (attempt to) disrespect Max by meeting him in the gladiator ring of my own pridefulness, even IF I am technically "right", I still lose -- wildly, primally and sensually so. 

My body immediately recognizes not only the disrespect, but its own violent exile from the field of euphoria and Love that is so much the truth of stripped-down Feminine nature. 

If you confuse or mistake this deep primordial instinct within the Feminine for good-girl ‘behavior’, agreeability, contortion, the fawning reflex or even that it is *for* Max (or any man).... ie: any contorted attempt at puffing up male ego, you are radically underestimating the practically Gothic and organically paradoxical nature of the Feminine psyche and our sex. 

My surrender IS for him and ITS AN ILLUSION that it’s for him. My surrender is where I am BLESSED to be able to go to slurp the succulence of the deepest part of me. 

I recognize that these energetics are subtle. The nature of the Feminine is dripping in paradox.  And….it is also true that it is my own Mastery that guides me into the depths of my devotion and descent WITHIN (internally) and to Max's brilliant Masculine leadership (externally).  

It is my less-masterful moments of pridefulness and righteousness which are particularly corrosive to the my (Feminine) system and Eros because in those moments, when I am  just (coyly…) gunning for rightness, compulsed by pride and arrogance rather than splayed open and swollen with the ecstasy of surrender, I am denying what is TRUE. 

The moments I choose my Ego over Eros....Righteousness  over Love ...even fleetingly with Max -- are the very same moments I eject myself from not only the auric field of our Love but of the truth of my deeper need.  

For Feminine women, disrespecting the men we love is a deep, dark grotto of self-deprivation and vibrational self-harm. 

This is why the suppleness of the Feminine instrument is so life-affirming and necessary...because the very moment I am able to FEEL is the very same moment I can come back to myself....come back to Love...come back to Max ...my whole Being opening into the oceanic rays of Feminine consciousness ...opening like softly wettened petals in the morning sun.

THE WAR AGAINST POTENT MASCULINITY

Please understand that this is an Agenda ~ and as with all Agendas, it is already a multi-tentacled, nefarious MACHINE. The distorted and consumptive model of ‘conventional reality’ (driven by consumerism) is attempting to normalize the archetype of the Masculine ‘Bumbling Fool” (ex: Homer Simpson) and destroy the life-affirming, protective Warrior and Outlaw Masculine archetypes. 

1. FACT: Excess male belly fat is 100% associated with lowered testosterone, lowered sperm count, AND is precisely one of the most estrogenic (ie: female hormone) forms of fat pockets within the male physiology. In other words, male belly fat is at cause of hormonal feminization of the male human. (Testosterone is *reduced* with this particular form of fat deposit and estradiol is *increased*. )

A fat male belly is the cauldron of the most precise organic POTENT ANTI-MALE hormonal cocktail on the planet. 

2. "The Dad-Bod": The UK store that created these models was apparently doing so as a joke in "honor" of Father's Day. Upon initial glance of this image, I truly had to double-take as this initially appeared to me to be peculiarly masculine maternity mannequins — with the overtly distended belly and slightly puffy breasts. 

This is a classic example of the way our Culture is categorically Femininizing the life-affirming nature of MALENESS and FATHERING. 

FACT: Less than half of all American men (40.5% according to my research a few moments ago) are choosing to bear offspring  -- and instead of celebrating and truly HONORING the (potentially superior genetics of??) men who choose to Father offspring into our world, we subtly shame those who do FATHER (which I am in full awareness is distinct from simply passing along genetic material.)  

One way we do this is by creating cultural memes and images that are designed to dissolve the DIFFERENCE between the full expression of the embodied genders....so a male 'model' ('model' being the precise agent of mimetic influence) tangentially appearing to be pregnant in honor of Fathers' Day is as close to a black magic spell of dissonance and destruction of Male virility as I have seen. 

(I am also aware that the “Dad Bod" is an apparently humorous response to "Mom-Body" -- which is also an extremely degrading term directed toward Mothers *except* that voluptuousness and higher (than men) body fat percentage are clinically associated with increased female desirability and fertility. And YES I know that our diseased American culture is also obsessed with the lithe and thin female physique -- but there is still greater health and societal benefit for a voluptuous feminine form than for a male to carry a similar 'curviness'.)

3. FACT: Our collective food and healthcare system is radically broken, under which we ALL suffer until we source in greater individual and collective sovereignty and extract ourselves from its toxic seduction.  

We are in a particular moment of time when we need highly potent, NON-subjugated men in full approval of their Masculine nature — especiallllllly the Warrior + the Outlaw. 

This visual meme is sourced in an anti-life culture. 

Whether satire or not, it attempts to normalize an increasingly acceptable expression of maleness: softened men who are weak (of body *and* mind) and men who are willfully allowing a deep Feminization of their physiology. 

While I am not prone to fat-shaming, I will also share very transparently that I am more judgemental and concerned about the collapse of the Potent, Free, SOVEREIGN (which by definition = non- v a x x e d) MEN in our world. 

This means that I am absolutely harder on our male counterparts than women *in this particular regard* as Men ARE our primal leaders. 

By "primal leader', I mean specifically that when the metaphorical saber-toothed tiger comes barreling out of the darkened tundra towards the collective village (it has already begun....), it is RIGHTFUL that those more vulnerable than he (the women, children, and elderly) seek refuge BEHIND our men. His rightful position is on the FRONTLINE in his MULTI-FACETED STRENGTH (of mind, body and spirit), his SOVEREIGNTY... and his CAPACITY to rage against the very machine that is attempting to destroy him. 

We so deeply beg of you, Men....do not go gently into that dark night.

She Who Consumes : Graciousness and The Purification of the Feminine Heart

I am on a journey of being deeply purified in my consciousness and in my heart. It is as Michael Beckwith so brilliantly says: a MOTHERTRUCKER. 

I am being 'asked' to cultivate an excruciatingly detailed energetic inventory of all the ways I have been in unconscious consent with and to people, external expressions of authority, thought-forms and morphic fields.  

It requires facing the subtle shadows within my own Being in ever deepening ways and making (sometimes very difficult choices) to move away from 'fields'-- both individual auric + collectively morphic -- that are no longer in highest service to my own Remembrance. 

One place of terrestrial density I very recently touched in my Being is one of a specific frequency of lack of Graciousness. 

This of course is PERFECT in its irony and paradox as I *TEACH* the woefully lost art of Feminine Graciousness.  (I'm just going to keep cutting off the legs of the symbolic “teacher pedestal” every chance I get....these internal mechanics are important for everyone -- especially women -- to SEE and understand.) 

Lack of Feminine graciousness is not just a lack of refinement or etiquette -- it is darker than that. 

It is a very normalized and encoded way that women collude with one another to WITHHOLD THEIR LOVE -- from men *and* other women alike. 

Graciousness has *nothing* to do with being "nice" -- nor is it mutually exclusive with frequencies such as Feminine fierceness -- there is a time and place for EACH and ALL purified expressions of the Feminine. 

Here is a very 'conventional reality' example of how this lack of graciousness can sometimes show up for me, that I have recently both witnessed in myself and in many of the women in my field. 

There are times I read content or watch videos (in the realm of social media) that offer and create value or meaning for me. 

I take in....I consume....and then leave without an acknowledgement....*yet more full than when I arrived*. 

This is shitty -- and thankfully, rare on my part - but certainly STILL occurs. 

When I consume without participating in an energetic circuitry of sharing my appreciation or gratitude, it means that I am moving too fast, stuck in the density or story of my ego, or unconsciously choosing to feed to fill some place within me that *I am not being responsible for tending*. 

Social Media is densely imprinted with many frequencies which could be called "Luciferian" -- places of inversions, energetic reversals and behavioral patterns we have collectively normalized in super creepy internet terms like "lurking" + "trolls" -- and those 'qualities' are straight-up CORRUPTIVE to the beauty of the Feminine heart. 

This also doesn't mean that anyone is entitled to a single second or micro-droplet of my attention ~ but when I CHOOSE to flow my attention into a specific field, take in its succulence or brilliance, and then don't bring my consciousness and heart into a coherent moment of APPRECIATION, this increasingly feels energetically stingy, consumptive, and subtly vampiric. (Occupational hazard of Feminine awakening: what you could get away with not being conscious of at one point in time is now illuminated very potently through CONTRAST of the Purification of the Heart.) 

When I take without honoring -- especiallllllly from women -- I am siphoning the very energy I AM. And this will be holographically imprinted through ALL THAT I CREATE.  

We receive what we BE. 

(Little clarifying note:  I *majorly* curate what I expose my consciousness to on social media so this may not *look* at all different for me -- although the feeling tone will be deeply shifted into one of graciousness + generosity. Its not about something needing to LOOK a certain way....it needs to FEEL a certain way.) 

So as I unfurl this layer of my own ungraciousness one dimension deeper within my own heart awakening and Beingness, I am also cultivating my (private) fields to be living expressions of Feminine graciousness. 

This will never be a swampy, descended energetic appreciation cuddle puddle (because that would legit make me throw up a little bit -- this is where I thank the Gods for having just the perfect anointing of Avoidant Attachment frequencies 😎) ~ AND/BUT ~ I am requiring that there is an energetic circuitry of cultivating the long lost art of GRACIOUSNESS....and when it comes to the frequencies of my fields, the part of me that is energetic Priestess-meets-Truffle-Pig, does not MISS A DAMN THING. 👁

⛪️ An Invitation to G-Church: 

I have recently begun a private FB group for women inside their own journeys of Feminine awakening.  Its highly curated on my part, and one of the key energetic signatures that I *require* in this field of elite Feminine Creatrixes is their capacity to organically emit graciousness (alongside their bad-ass brilliance, Eros, and willingness to go deep into the hinterlands of Feminine awakening.)

Its brand new for me....begun just days before the passing of our sweet-galactic-Being-in-the-form-of-a-dog-named-Roxie, so my first ever solo livestream is a bit drenched in tears. 

Livestream 02  ("The Ladder of Masculine Abstraction"🌞) occurred Sunday night and was thankfully tearless. 

Livestream 03 of G-Church will be a celebration of the Shiva principle within the Masculine -- the rightful and necessary archetypal Death Blow that Men deliver unto the Awakening Feminine aspect of Women IN SERVICE to the fullness of her Resurrection (into POWER.) 

If you'd like to join us, here’s the link.

My team has been schooled in curating for a very specific tone -- so if you have been *singularly* consumptive in my fields, I will respectfully say that this is likely not the place for you.

image credit: Mark Pillai

Energetic CockBlocking: The Toxic Mimic of Feminine Discernment

Part I:  The Invitation

Two days ago, Max presented me with a big, fat, high-risk, high-sensation invitation to advance our relationship into a whole new holon of The Game. 

It involves money, my business, and a deep surrender of my *seeming* independence.

I listened quietly, turned towards him, and then proceeded to 'interview' him. Slowly and 'sweetly', I asked him over a dozen questions that were more of an attempt to excavate any places of HIS shadow then better understand the Terms of the opportunity that Max had presented me with. I felt very 'in my right' as I asked question after question. It felt important to me to understand his motivations, his 'secret' hopes and desires.  I *felt like* I was deep in my 'Feminine discernment'.

We ended the conversation to eat a little dinner and go into the sauna together. It was during the sauna session that Max withdrew the invitation.  He said he felt my resistance closer to the surface than my desire. He also said that he could feel my desire IN my resistance, as these are tones of expression along the same spectrum -- but that my resistance was too deeply an expression of the way I was keeping my desire in shadow, so he was now a No to the Invitation he had powerfully created for me only one hour earlier. 

(Such BRILLIANT demonstration of Max's potent Masculine leadership and his constant commitment to clarity and energetic precision.)

It wasn't emotional and I was able to fully see and own that I hadn't expressed clean desire. 

BUT HERE IS THE FIRST PART OF THE SHADOWY BIT: 

I *was* a YES to the experience Max was inviting me into with him~ AND~  I was energetically cock-blocking him because I wasn't yet willing to be responsible for MY DESIRE.

Max was absolutely accurate in the fact that he SENSED the Yes-ness of my desire and turn-on ~ but my BEHAVIOR and communication was one of resistance. 

Its one thing when this happens psychically/energetically between Lovers/Partners -- but this EXACT SHADOW is what is AT CAUSE of MASSIVE NUMBERS of sexual violation in our culture. I was turned-on, wanted the ride that Max was inviting me into, and used coyness and FALSE DISCERNMENT to try to unconsciously manipulate Max, because I was intimated by the voltage of my own desire. 

In other words, I didn't trust MYSELF enough to open into a clean Yes, so I projected my distrust onto Max, by drilling HIM about HIS motives, instead of attuning to what was TRUE for ME. 

Energetically,  cock-blocking is always a form of avoiding the penetration that SOME PART of you actually DEEPLY DESIRES but is afraid to fully HAVE -- especially when its with a man you massively respect and deeply love. 

⚡️ PART II: Sex as my Master Teacher

As soon as Max came to bed that night and our lips gently grazed to kiss good night, a massive vortex of erotic energy emerged between us. This is the essential nature of our erotic connection ~  and/but ~  since Roxie's (our beloved Shihtzu) transition 9 days ago, we have arrived at a seemingly impossibly even deeper harmonic of penetration. (I will tell you why briefly here, but there is a larger piece on this in the works...) The reason for this massive erotic portal that we are inside of presently is because my heart is uttterly blasted open in grief and *therefore* — in LOVE. 

The most important thing a woman needs to understand about Feminine Eros is that her heart/sex axis is 'the call'. And right now, my heart/sex axis is emanating an extremely high voltage of primal, PURE Love that is one of the deepest blessings of Grief's ravishing. 

In direct energetic and geometric 'law', the Heart/Sex axis within Max is primally, profoundly responding to the truth of my opening....which is presently electric, massive, and blown wide open. This means that our sex is being fed by the intensity of the cosmic 'widening'  I am inside of -- which we are both willing to meet in its fullness, and well, Max....being Max....is able to exponentiate into the realms of the unimaginable. 

On this night, our sex....our love-making and our primal fucking...was supra-natural. 

I opened to receive Max's penetration in ALL DIMENSIONS: full-spectrum holographic, orgasmic, primal, telepathic, timeless, galactic, primordial obliteration and dissolution of self into sacred Nothingness. 

And because Eros is my Master Teacher in this incarnation, I learn about LIFE and REALITY and CONSCIOUSNESS itself through Sex. Amongst far more mystical and polarizing realizations, the thing that my/our sex taught me that night is a terrestial lesson in *contrast*:

In 98% of our partnership, I energetically and physically connect with Max with my legs, sex and heart wide open.  

I don't say or FEEL a no to our sex *ever* because there is no need for me to do so. His erotic desire IS the pure outpicturing of *my* erotic desire. 

But...there are 2 spots within our relationship where my symbolic legs are initially, energetically closed to Max. In these specific areas, I have been  unconsciously  (and so disrespectfully) 'making him' *prove* to me that he is worthy of me opening to receive his penetration. In these 2 domains, I will eventually open to him....but on the shadow-stained terms of *my* egoic "rightness". 

Said differently: I have been surreptitiously running a super covert version of the same ugly Feminine arrogance and entitlement that I (lovingly) firehose out of my clients. 

If this dynamic were conscious, it would sound something like this:

"Oh Sweetheart, I just LOVE your penetration.  

I desire it here in my pussy....and I desire it here in my womb....and I desire it here in my heart....and I definitely desire it here in my bank account....and I desire here in my lifestyle....and I for sure desire it here in all the ways you help me and create for me.....BUT....well, No, Sweetheart, I don't desire your penetration HERE where I am avoidant or over HERE where I am not willing to be responsible for my own power. 

You see, Sweetheart, these are the places I don't yet TRUST MYSELF -- so drenched in my own unconsciousness, I project these slivers of my distrust in my SELF onto YOU, and then USE MY DISTRUST IN MYSELF AS A REASON to close myself to you, to cockblock you....and require you to prove YOUR trust-worthiness to SAVE ME from the places I am not yet willing to be responsible FOR MY OPENING and MY DESIRE."  

Shadow-complected gameplay to the hilt. 

In other words, I have secretly rigged a racket built into about 2% of our relationship that states that I get to cherry pick the places where his energetic penetration is "good" and welcome and where its NOT. (For the record: RECEIVING PENETRATION WHEN WE ARE A TRUE NO IS CALLED RAPE. This is not what I am referring to.) 

My shadow-laced Feminine arrogance and entitlement was setting the conditions under which I would open to Max. And because his BRILLIANT terrifying invitation to me touches *exactly* one of my gauntlets (aka: a place where i am not yet willing to be responsible for the truth of my desire and power), I cockblock the intensity of the penetration that I *actually* DESIRE in the name of "DISCERNMENT". 

This particular move oh so conveniently lets me avoid being responsible for my own OPENING and DESIRE. 

IMPORTANT NOTES: Feminine Discernment is vital and necessary and life-affirming (well, until its not, but thats an entirely different level of Feminine awakening....) 

In the timeless myth of Psyche + Eros, one of Psyche's primary initiations that kept her *alive* was seen in her capacity to SORT --- which is essentially, the capacity to use her discernment to determine "this from that." -- A YES FROM A NO. 

Women -- especiallllllllly Feminine women -- need discernment.

But.... there is something that the One Taste teachers (which is not at all my lineage  ~ but I teach with former OT leaders so I have learned just enough to be dangerous, I am afraid 😉 ) called the "Toxic Mimic". And right now, so many women **USE** the Toxic Mimic of Discernment as a way of controlling men, and cock-blocking the very penetration we say we want -- (and actually do want, once we can lift our desire out of the shadow of irresponsibility.)  

We use the Toxic Mimic of Discernment as a way of justifying our resistance in attempt to avoid being RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN DESIRE and OUR OWN OPENING. 

This is super dirty, irresponsible relational game play, ladies.....and just to be clear: I am not shaming women -- nor myself. I just caught myself red-handed rocking these disrespectful, irresponsible moves and feel like its a meaningful teaching opportunity, thus this on-the-fly transmission. 

Through both the metaphor and primal contrast that the Master Teacher of Sex always illuminates for me, I was able to somatically FEEL the way I have been cherry picking all the incredible ways Max potently penetrates me AND the ways that I have been cockblocking him, drive to my head (leave my body) and then overlay the sneaky toxic mimic of my "DISCERNMENT"  as a decoy to my being able to say: 

"Here is what is TRUE for me:

I am in massive desire of this ride -- AND -- I do not want to be responsible for my massive desire for this ride."  👁

This move attempts to abdicate being RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN DESIRE onto Max / the Masculine...ie: "OH, Sweetheart, please be responsible for *my* desire FOR ME."

After our cosmic lovemaking, I was up for hours, as is often the case. Once again, my entire sense of self and consciousness was being energetically re-organized.  In the early morning light after journaling by flashlight for hours, I sent Max (who was sleeping 1 foot away from me) this text:

"I am so much more powerful when I let myself belong to you." 

And thus began this particular initiation and deepening....

⚡️ Part 3: Max's Mastery

The epic kicker in this whole situation is that Max, in his relentless mastery and game play, has temporarily withdrawn the invitation that I was in shadow desire of receiving.  And now (predictably!) ...I am DRIPPING IN DESIRE  and in full approval of my YES-NESS to his (still terrifying...but alchemized to drenching turn-on) invitation to me. 

Max creates massive, nearly psychedelic, energetically precise relational experiences for me -- and part of my co-creational mastery with him is that I am able to recognize them as such. 

With untold brilliance and perhaps with a little touch of sacred sadism that he has cultivated on my behalf, he has turned the tables. Now, the invitation to create with him at a more advanced expression of our partnership is off the table UNTIL **I** can demonstrate a deeper degree of *MY* trust-worthiness. 

In other words..... I am now literally choking on my desire and *begging* for the very penetration that I had attempted to cockblock. 

As it should be. 🔥

Devotion, Orgasm, and the G(od)-Spot that is the Cervix

The more deeply I journey Devotion, the more deeply I journey the mystical gateway that is the Cervix.

It is here, I am discovering (over + over + over again), within this fleshly plump mystery that holds the organic technology of awakening Feminine consciousness.

It is this corporeal mystical confection (frequently likened to a donut!) that is sometimes soft, effulgent and other times stiffened, a bit like a crustacean of the oceanic depths.

Physically (and incredibly!), the cervix looks remarkably similar to the silky head of the phallus....and when the Two Cosmic Titans (cervix + phallus) come into vibrational collision, they are in every way, spiritual and anatomical Twin Flames.

The head of phallus pressing against her...and Cervix...if and when ready.... flowering open, seemingly with her own desire, suckling and slurping the head of the erect phallus into the hot + wettened centrifugal center of this Feminine vortex.
In deep Devotion and in Deep Orgasm, the contra-sexual Twins Become ONE.

(It’s important to understand that the opening of the cervix is an expression of our full-spectrum relationship to our sex, our system, and our psyche. Said differently: cervical opening and orgasm is not wholly located and held within the anatomical geography of the cervix itself -- She is *holographic* which is part of the reason that the cervix is such an erotic mystery school in and of itself. The experience She ‘contains’ reverberates as intimately in the chambers of the Feminine heart and expanse of Feminine consciousness as it does within the physical dwelling space of Cervix. This is a deep part of Her mystery and edification.)   

The Cervix is the Sexual Akash of Woman.

She re-cords and re-members the photonic presence of all broadbands of Masculine Consciousness (in the physical form of His Cock....there is no metaphysical difference between the two.) 

The entire Living Library of Penetration of the TRUTH of each woman's lived experience is held here.

This includes the experiences of invasive physical penetration ~ the unwanted, the too-much-too-fast, the violation....no matter inadvertent or intentional ~ when the instinctive downward thrust of our No was somehow overridden by the upward thrust of Cock.

Like a mushroom in a wet forest, the cervix also absorbs the imprint of energetic penetration: the places of Subtle Body or psychic penetration, incest or sexual trauma even when held "only" within the psychic dimension; the aggressive wild missiles of addiction, rage, hyper sexualized hunger....all of which silently sit vigil within the pink fleshly dome of cervix.

When the tissues within pussy and cervix are touched with consciousness and in devotion, the shadows of penetration held within the flesh of our sex are aroused like a writhing nest of startled snakes.

This is cleansing, purgative, deeply healing....quite literally the definition of "catharsis".....but if this occurs in sex (vs: something like a sexological bodywork session or self-pleasuring/de-armouring) may God bless you with a Lover who can hold you as you cry and howl and laugh and choke and writhe in your own sacred, ecstatic undoing. 

Cervix also carries the transcendent, loving aspects of our Heart and Consciousness....the velvet treasures of all the ways we have been ravished, tenderly or wildly, sweetly wrapped in love, erotic or otherwise. It is truly the portal of life (it dilates as the passageway for new life to be born) and the portal of death (we bleed and miscarry through the same threshold that new life is crowned).

For me, of all the places in my Female architecture, the cervix is the bellwether of my consciousness, of my receptivity to Life and to Love. Other than (but inseparable from) Womb, my cervix is the place and vortex within my body that literally illuminates + annihilates every single remaining place of resistance, of stuckness, of fear in shattering open my heart to Love. 

There is no greater reflex in the Female Psycho-Erotic Trinity (our Psyche, our System, and our Sex) that yokes my entire being to Devotion more so than what cervical orgasm 'does to me'.

It is Orgasm sourced in my Devotion + in my Cervix which descends me into my deepest, most supple devotion to both God and to Max (different....and yet....the same....)

This is the place in me that when unfurled is at transcendent cause of such supreme Divine submission to LIFE and to HIM  (different....and yet....the same...) that I become  the Feminine Quintessence of No Mind.  

This is so very different than ‘sex magic’; this is an erotic homage of consciousness transformation precisely activated through and by the cervix -- She is literally the God-spot of Feminine sexual awakening.

Clitoral orgasm may open your sex, your system and even your heart.....but Cervical Orgasm is the technology that doesn't just connect sex and heart....it COLLAPSES THEM INTO ONE PRIMORDIAL, UNIFIED FIELD.

In Taoist reflexology, the cervix IS the heart point.

It's literally THE place within the entire female sexual design that is BUILT to release + activate the frequencies of devotion.

I see and feel the way so many women are so very armored + calcified that they cannot let themselves dissolve into Deep Orgasm. 

And in parallel, I see and feel the way so many women are so very armored and calcified that they cannot let themselves dissolve into Devotion.

This is a grief-soaked geometry for women. One unlocks the other, irrevocably.

For me, Devotion and Orgasm are eternally wedded.

My Feminine body can only access the infinite fullness of (Godly) Orgasm if my Feminine Soul is opened in Devotion ~ which for me, is both Divine and Mortal.

Women are literally BUILT for devotion and awakening....and this cosmically brilliant stargate of our cervix is the supreme skeleton key AND interdimensional portal to our most exalted state of awakening Feminine consciousness.

Everything we seek, we ARE. 

Image credit: Holly Rogalski

The original post on Facebook can be found here.

Stung by Devotion

I remember the very first time it burst open within me.

I was in India, studying Ashtanga Yoga in Mysore with Sri Pattabhi Jois.

On each New Moon, he'd sit up in his special chair on his humble but rarified stage, and all his (many dozens of) students were invited to line up, come before him, descend to their knees, and gently kiss his Lotus feet.

The first time I did this....offering such humble homage to the genius and mastery of my Teacher, my heart shattered open into one thousand little Lotus pieces.

And then suddenly: huge voltages of Shakti ravished my body.

I trembled and cried -- and-- PROMPTLY, as invisibly and stealthily as possible, I silently slipped back in line, tear stained and body quivering from head to toe, so that I may come before him again, descend to my knees, and gently kiss the Lotus feet of my Teacher.

Had the ceremony not come to a close and he escorted from his chair, there would have been no better possible use of my life than to stand in line over and over and over again....swollen in longing, aching for not one thing more than my knees on the hard wooden floor, my lips wetted with a strange desire to be as light as the wing of a butterfly against the slightly swollen foot of the old cataracted man sitting before me.

This was the moment I was stung by Devotion.

This was the moment that catapulted me out of the deadened echo chamber of half-heartedness (the devotional kiss of death that Richard Rudd has channeled so stunningly). It opened up within me the rightness of coming to my knees as practice -- in an ancient, timeless homage to the Godhead (as localized within an imperfect human being.)

This is the way Desire becomes ART for the Feminine -- we cast spells that summon life (read: the MASCULINE) to create frames that we may animate with the effulgent fullness of our expression.

In my Devotion, I am a MASTERPIECE.

This moment of knees against cold hard floor, heart splayed open, Shakti on fleek.....began a nearly decade long (ongoing) practice of coming to my knees in prayer, in ecstasy, in celebration -- and in grief.....and often, in a Shakti-drenched orgasmic melange of everythingness.

And now Devotion has come for me once again:

this time as Teacher of this frequency.

DEVOTION: THE FLAMES OF PURIFICATION:

A 6-week course for Women.

This journey is deep and potent.

* All the places of density and stuckness that keep you away from the deeper truth of your ACHE to be swelled with Devotion will be touched...with a feather caress -- and the occasional Cosmic 2x4. ( just keeping it real real )

* All the places that have been calcified and marbled within you of Feminine arrogance, entitlement, and egoic victimhood -- leaving you frozen in a story about men and 'the masculine' that serves *at best* only the grayest of your gardens -- will be excavated.

* You will be brought to your knees....and once upon them, we will ask of you to open your knees....your heart.....and your Eros...a little bit wider....and a little bit wider still.

(THIS is how the Devotion gets IN, ladies....)

* You will be amongst deeply magical Ones....Feminine criaturas from across the globe....the married, the maidens, the mothers.

All gathering to be held in the conditions that allow Her to wholly OPEN.

And only then will you be sweetly, tenderly, wretchedly stung....in Devotion.

The original post on facebook can be found here

LESSONS FROM THE DISHWASHER: PART TWO

Masculine Leadership + The Wound Template of Feminine Martyrdom

Two important insights on the now legendary Marmer-Pothier Dishwasher sitch:

1. IF Max had just said "No, I choose to not comply with your request (to do a better job at washing his dishes) ", this would (likely) have been poor leadership.

What makes this little story potent is that Max very rightly denied my request AND THEN PROVIDED SOLUTIONS **beyond what I could see for myself.**

This is called Masculine LEADERSHIP -- which is completely different than if he were just to rock his "no" and then not address the invisible labor that would have befallen to me IF he had not shared his greater vision of win:win solutions.

(**Important Note: There are certainly times when his precise 'no' is rightful without his choosing to erect additional layers of 'energetic provision', which is what Masculine leadership is ~ but this is a more nuanced situation.)

2. This will likely need to be a larger post, but I feel that its important that I illuminate my own Feminine shadow / wound template in this.

When Max said No to my request, do you see that the 2 "solutions" I named (my re-washing the dishes by hand or running them through the dishwasher a 2nd time) BOTH placed the "solution to his No" in my court?

In other words, my reflexive response ~ while totally respectful of Max's "no", left no space for HIS leadership and cultivation of an ACTUAL WIN:WIN SOLUTION ~ and this was the piercing energetic adjustment Max saw and corrected IMMEDIATELY.

(ie: "This is inaccurate thinking, Gillian.")

BOTH of his solutions were better and greater than the ones I was able to make contact with in the moment and they BOTH LIBERATED ME from absorbing the consequences of his No.

The reason he effortlessly offered this energetic adjustment to me is because

I INSTINCTIVELY (and JOYFULLY) FOLLOW MAX'S LEAD.

I follow his lead because it is GENERATIVE -- he creates solutions and experiences for me FAR BEYOND what I could ever see or name as a request or a desire.

The truth is that I have zero desire for Max to reflexively say Yes to me ~ or, to touch the deeper harmonic of truth:

to 'please me'.

I DO have deep desire for Max to *create pleasure* for me, which paradoxically, is so often created by saying No to the thing I think I want ("Oh, please be a good man and wash your dishes off.....") in order to receive the fatness of the experience he CHOOSES to create FOR ME.

I fully believe (and teach) that men and women need to be in MUCH deeper approval of the penetrating and at times, ruthless No of men -- WHEN the generative, win: win solution, embodied vision and leadership is in place.

The Good Boy / Yes Man is a corrupted, synthetic, inverted attempt by Men to "look good" and receive the rewards of (masculinized) women when what they actually may need is to place being perceived as "good" on the altar in order to be in deeper approval of their primal Masculine nature.

Unless and until he does so, the stranglehold of his attempt at 'being good and pleasing her' will so often lead to impacted contempt from *her* ~ and ultimately, towards himself.

In my relationship and teaching spaces: the answer is never more Masculine compliance -- its always MORE brilliant, masterful Masculine LEADERSHIP.

#TheMaxChronicles

Lessons from the Dishwasher: Wealth Consciousness and the Rightness of His No 🎩

ME: “Max, it seems our apparently fancy German dishwasher does not work so hot — many times the dishes don’t feel entirely clean to me after running it.

May you please take an extra moment to wash your dishes off before placing them in the dishwasher?”

MAX: “I hear you — and I’m a No to this particular request. It’s inefficient and I’m not willing to be inconvenienced or adjust my flow for a weak or compromised dishwasher.”

ME: “This is a completely predictable Max response. The pickle is that then I will have to either re-wash by hand several of the dishes or run them again through the dishwasher which just feels ridiculous”

MAX: This is not accurate thinking, Gillian.

Here is what I’d like us to do:

1. If you’d like more household help to handle daily domestic things, please communicate this to me so we can coordinate.

2. If you’d like me and/or my assistant to research and purchase a replacement dishwasher that can properly handle dirty dishes, please let me know.

You should absolutely not be (re)-washing dishes and I should not be asked to adjust my reality to accommodate sub-par machine task performance.

It’s important you source your Seeing for home optimization and upgrades in the reality that we are running and building multi-million dollar businesses, in both ‘acorn’ and fully forged oak tree stages of growth.

Please step away from that lame dishwasher and come over here and kiss me, which is a much better use of your time.”

It’s quite obvious once I’ve mapped this through a recap — and yet for all the expansion of wealth (consciousness) I’ve opened into, I still bump into places of contraction that occlude my clear thinking.

On some level, I have every right to ask Max to ‘do a better job of cleaning his dishes’. AND — on the other hand — I clearly see the way I disrespectfully projected a contracted anti-solution (ie:: ‘Max needs to change’, which was the covert encoded frequency embedded into my request) onto the circumstances rather than opening up to an *actual* win:win solution that serves our creative consciousness and flow, individually and within the relational field.

Said differently: my request to him was appropriate at a more dense level of (contracted) consciousness and actually, significantly disrespectful from a higher, more abundantly coded perceptual understanding.

Such a brilliant frequency adjustment on his part and a super hot example of the RIGHTNESS of his No.

#themaxchronicles

Image Credit: Mary Robertson

SERVING HIM: A Celebration of Feminine Devotion

Each day, I awaken alone in the early morning light.

I gently stroke my body and bre*sts with long, slow warming strokes. I slip my n*ked body into a dress (always a dress....) and slink down the stairs. 

His day begins before mine; he is always already there.

He is at his desk, sometimes sitting, other times standing....the warmth of the fireplace glow and cold blue incandescence of screenlight socketing him in a strangely majestic atmospheric violet, overlooking the stillness of the still-dark woods and the endless undulations of the sea. 

Humming in quiet joy as the central channel of my body continues to vibrationally awaken, I turn the kettle on and begin to warm the milk on the stove.  I gather succulent fruits, meaty things, Honey Mama chocolate, seeds, and nuts. 

I prepare a special tea elixir and place all his favorite beginning-of-day foods on the platter. Without exception, my heart begins to open; my se x begins to swell. 

I am instantly in an intimate love affair with the impossible beauty and sensuality of persimmon, walnut, quince, and silken, wrinkly date.  

I place the platter and the tea together and holding the cold smooth edges of the plate in my hands, I bow my head to God and open to receive the words or song of grace to come through. I bless and evoke this Beginning of New Day with codes of Grace, Love, Devotion, Abundance, Eros, and Joy.  Opening to God, I bless this offering for Max:  his unbridled brilliance, his warriorship, and that he may grow abundance and joy and potency in all domains and dimensions of his and our life. 

I bring these items to him, one at a time. 

I place the tea on the coaster on his desk, carefully so as to avoid the loud clink of mug against glass. 

We don't yet turn to look at one another, but our bodies are immediately aware of the intimacy. 

Next, I return to the kitchen for the platter, feeling the silk of my dress graze my body with each step. I place the plate on the corner of his desk, always holding it with two hands as a symbolic homage of formality, as I am very well aware that I am serving a Great Man.  

I have prepared this simple offering and served Max in this way hundreds of times.  Each and every time, Max turns to look at me in this moment, and each and every time, I blush and lower my eyes and open and waves of heat and pleasure and humility and joy pulse through my body.  

He doesn't just 'look at me' -- he makes sure I raise my eyes to meet his so that I see him SEEING ME and that he knows that I am fully receiving him.  

This is a ritual of silent ravishing. 

There is no touch and there are no words. 

His seeing and receiving of me in the unbridled delight of my service to him, the fullness of my joy and my desire, is his way of GIFTING ME.  He deeply knows my nature and the incredible blessing it is for me to be with a man who so drenchingly inspires my devotion. 

Men like Max instinctively know how to let (and perhaps require, if I were to dare touch the darker velvet tones of Truth) a woman give *back* from this eternal wellspring of Feminine Eros, and understand the primal magnificence of this circuitry. 

In these moments of our early morning ritual, there is no affect, no transaction, no 'kink', no 'trying to get' or trying to make Max (or myself) feel a certain way about me — or him. It is pure and it is true. 

There is a deeply ancient, life-affirming simplicity and purity in these moments that anchors my beingness in a frequency of Feminine Devotion that serves ME, each day. Through Max's beingness, his  leadership and his vision, he pours deeply into me and our relationship and it is both an honor and in my deep pleasure to give back to him ~ especiallllly in ways that are deeply encoded in my own fullness and pleasure.  

(In order for the circuitry to truly take flight and feed *both* of you in endless upward and expansive spirals, its gotta be win:win, baby...)

Today, as I prepared this offering for Max one last time in this incredible year of wild darkness and magic that Earth is experiencing, my heart swelled and tears began to fall. In this moment,  I realized that this simple ritual of Love and Reverence that I have created for MYSELF (even more than this could ever be for Max -- despite the external outpicturing) was one of the most meaningful, anchoring, confronting, and expansive practices of 2020.

I am so grateful to Max and all the majestic men in and of our world who know how to inspire and create space for the Deeply Feminine Ones to create and emanate from the Truth of our Eros and Devotion.  

One of the most deeply beautiful gifts I have given myself in 2020 is to be in unbridled, limitless approval of the depths and radiance of my Feminine Beingness -- at the level of my Soul Essence. 

This is my wish for all women....to know that your specific frequency of Deep Feminine, your desire and its raw expression is not only beautiful and rightful -- but it is deeply generative for you, for other women, for our world, and for our men. 

In Celebration of the Wild, Generative Magic of Feminine Eros and Devotion in ALL of its terrestrial and cosmic expressions....

Happy New Year. ❤️

The Father-Lover Paradox

Last night Max shared with me that he had opened up a direct communication channel with a significant male business partner of mine. My business partner and I are co-founders of a start-up that has all the signifiers of being able to scale quickly and robustly, should we play our cards right. We have incredible resonance, yield massive results, *and* have a bit of a sticky ideological kerfuffle in terms of our individual dharmic expression in the world. Said tricky bit has led to several recent long conversations to see if we can arrive at a place of deep and true convergence.

Max has seen & heard bits of these meetings and has ‘casually’ asked a few surgically-precise and at times, confronting-ish questions. I should also say that he and my business partner (whom we will call Tony) have warm rapport and Max joined us for a Zoom strategy sesh several months ago, where he contributed greatly to driving us into further clarity.

So, while Max has indeed had a bit of a line of sight into this particular venture, learning that he and *my* business partner had entered into a private man-to-man dialogue intentionally *not including me* was, lets just say, a MOMENT.

When he shared this information with me, I could reflexively feel my cheeks sting with heat, and my righteous feminine feathers immediately get ALL puffed up. From way up on my instant “how dare you” High Horse, I heard and felt the stories of all the ways that this was invasive, infantalizing, and a violation of my boundaries.

I heard and felt all the loud decrees of the 'Feminine empowerment' teachers, as well as the voice of my own mother and dauntingly successful women friends.

It all came pouring forth: a sharp-toothed crescendo of all the ways that this was violating, discounting my own capacity to negotiate, and that Max was wayyyy ‘out of line’.

As I let those stories sear into me for a few moments, branding me with the rightness of my anger, I suddenly became aware that there was a deeper feeling arising in me, beyond all the egoic prattle. In this moment of witnessing my thrashing egoic self, I knew I had choice. I could CHOOSE the ride I was about to go on ~ which in reality, is an entire timeline.

In that moment, I *chose* to feel the whisper of a feeling that was arising within me:

I *chose* to feel LOVE.

More precisely:

I chose to feel primally, wildly LOVE-D.

As that feeling opened into me,

I recognized that there was an even deeper, more dimly lit feeling; its long arm reaching across place and time to a very young aspect of Self, almost like a phantom limb of the psyche.

I could feel the unwinding, like a psychic cranial-sacral session deep within my limbic system. The feeling was wildly archaic and stained with "I should not ever let myself feel this way" and in so many ways, was and is of the opposite frequency that women are being taught and celebrated for embodying in the world.

I could barely let myself receive the submerged awareness that was rising into consciousness, because the the deeper truth was highly problematic to my sovereign sense of selfhood:

I FELT FATHERED.

All these little Fathering receptors that had been inadvertently vacated by my personal father in important states of Little Girl Feminine Creatureness lit up and I CHOSE to love this now moment of ME enough to let all those little rusty dusty Fathering receptors be poured into, each of them filling with the warmth of the solarized molten GOLD of the archetypal Father.

I know that some women will read this and overlay Freudian interpretations (I originally trained to be a psychotherapist so I too can readily analyze my own experience from a metallic psycho-analytic POV) and others will diminish this to some sort of distorted Daddy/Daughter outpicturing.

And yet, neither is complete.

Neither touches the deeper archetypal truth of Erotic Love which is that Cosmic Lovers ARE ALL THINGS to one another.

Max IS my Father

I AM his daughter.

I AM his w*hore and his Wife and he IS my Sun/Son.

He IS my King and I AM his Mother.

I AM his Consort and his Queen and he IS my Husband and my Brother.

We are *ALL* ALL THINGS to one another.

In the soul journey, we ALL have literally already been all these things to one another, so of course they will reconstellate in the chthonic depths of the primality of our erotic lives.

And so I went from a 2-minute 'mad as a hornet' egoic huff & puff of all the ways he had diminished my authority, treated me like a Damsel in Distress, and 'wrongly' infantilized me TO recognizing the SUBLIME GENIUS of his outreach and the RIGHTNESS of his involvement to mediate and map a complex situation-- not just on behalf of the business venture, but his rightness in doing so FOR ME.

In his brilliant KNOWING, in no way did Max's choice to get involved in my business situation preclude my initiation....because this initiation wasn't yet another initiation into "Feminine power", which is my/the more customary initiatiory encounter du jour.

This was an initiation into the deeper stratas of Love, of loving MYSELF enough to be deeply, primally supported at root level and to be LOVED BEYOND MY PREFERENCE....and YES: in this case, beyond my overt consent, which was RIGHTFUL.

Said the hard way:

Max's knowing to energetically penetrate me BEYOND MY CONSENT was sublimely RIGHTFUL.

About a year ago, I read a quote on Instagram that Jay Electronica said about Erykah Badu:

"Erykah belongs to me.

She’s my daughter… Fix your face, don’t play with me on this Instagram..... She’s my first daughter, she’s my wife, she’s my baby mama, she’s my spiritual healer, and she’s my porn star. " ~Jay Electronica

At the time, I found this quote to be so offensive and over the top. I was all up in my clinical and overfunctioning psychoanalytic assessment and had ALL THE THINGS to say and feel about this quote. It actually quite repulsed me.

(AND YET: this damn thing has lingered within me this entire time. Hello: 'what you resist persists' )

And now, I get it.

ITS REAL.

When you are in a partnership architected in soul codes and are committed to each other's AWAKENING and CONSCIOUSNESS (which is a hella different ride than being committed to the human), these codes drop in.

They have to....because they are real....and the recognition of such changes the Rules of the Game.

Its not so much about the personal, identity-level reactivity to 'what the other person does’ or what they say or don’t say. To me, that’s boring, false intimacy, and full of weighty matter. It’s a lower level of the Relational Game.

The question I choose to live into is how can EVERYTHING that Max does (or doesn’t do) BE *FOR* ME....even when its way outside the gilded cage of my preference, way beyond my initial sight of understanding?

Living into that question has opened me more to the Truth and Reality of Love and catapulted me into realms of the unimaginable more so than any righteous ego-level dualistic approach to right/wrong.

Right/wrong dissovles.

And so does the form of this relationship, over + over again.

In the same moment that Max is deeply, primally protecting me, he is also driving the stake of the Light of Consciousness deep into my heart, ecstatically killing me over and over again. This is what my Soul has hired Max to do in and through this Love because it’s FOR ME.

37 seconds ago:

MAX: Alright, I just finished sending off a detailed email to Tony synthesizing the various points of difference and proposing structures and next steps to address the remaining interfaces of non-alignment.

ME: I see. May you please send it to me or read it to me?

MAX: No. That's not the way this works right now.

On Being a ‘Kept Woman’

He is better at understanding the world than me.

He is more brilliant than me.

He has more wealth than me.

He is funnier than me.

He is younger than me.

He comes from a 'better family' than me.

He is better at business than me.

He is better at figuring things out than me.

He is better at making things happen than me.

He is stronger than me.

He is better at following through than me.

He is better at communicating than me.

He is better at understanding how things work than me.

He is better at arriving at the correct destination than me.

In other words, I HAVE NOTHING to give to him

Other than the stripped-down-to-the-naked-essence of Feminine Beingness and Radiance that I AM.

Which just so happens to be EVERYTHING to a man who understands the infinite value of a woman deeply in love with her own Nature.

 ✨

In the force of this love, I am kept.

I am kept opened and turned on.

I am kept in submission to my highest Self.

I am kept in my fullness.

I am kept wettened and hungry for his sex.

I am kept in my deepest bliss body.

I am kept in the succulent thrill of my blindness.

I am kept deep in experiencing the true nature of my Self.

I am kept called forth by his Sight and his mastery.

I am kept dying to my former small self over and over again.

I am kept in the wildnesss of my Feminine Eros.

I am kept playful and in my joy.

I am kept in the deep delight of my desire to please him.

I am kept in my devotion.

I am kept in the womb-deep YES of all that he chooses to create for me.

Even my overt attempts at "doingness" for Max are so deeply enveloped in the dark velvet caverns of my pleasure that they become unintentional acts of devotion.

I am kept free: 

the greatest paradox of Love.

THE DARKER TONES OF FEMININE EROS

As women.....especially as "empowered" women, we are rewarded by our culture for being "powerful" and for being "leaders".  

We see before us the celebrated "rising of the Feminine".  

And while I both understand its socio-political context and historical significance, it is nonetheless energetically inaccurate. 

The Feminine does not rise....the erected Masculine aspect within her does. 

The Feminine soul grows downward ~ her power is in the Below.

It is here, in this dark and sultry river beneath the river where Feminine Eros is set shamelessly, wildly free. 

It is here in the innermost chambers of our misunderstood Feminine nature that our erotic appetite quietly pulses, nearly unbearable to our modern, cultured and (OOOOHCHILD) arrogant ego.

When the electric tension between our sex and our ego outruns the voltage capacity of our system we do what all women (and men, too -- although differently): we shove the aspects of our Eros that we can't bear into the shadow. 

Here it festers....its energetic contortions and contamination outpictured as "the ball buster", the smiling false-light cookie cutter with her "Boss Babe" mug who emerged from the Industrialized Goddess System, women who control men with distorted although seemingly evidenced narratives of the "unexamined brutality of the male libido" (NY Times, I kid you not) or with such sweet manipulative "topping from the bottom" moves that it takes some men months, if not years and a marriage or 2 to understand the energetic con-job.

Voila! 

We now have the deeper energetic architecture of our erotic desires "safely" compressed and contorted into the shadow, "safely" out of sight and awareness.  

But then .we come upon a snafu in the tidy arrangement: we spy women with a certain frequency of deep, dark, succulent Feminine potency.; women who are in molten gold approval of their appetite to know every millimeter of their turn-on ....just....because....she....likes....it. 

We watch these women out of the corner of our eye....repulsion and condemnation (the low hanging fruits of Shadow) laced with an inconvenient little jagged edged green sliver of....jealousy. 

She has the distasteful gall to dangle her taste for submission for all the world to see....down on her knees, lowly washing the feet of an imperfect mortal man. Her mastery may only be discerned by a select few (the Feminine Beings who are CHOSEN by the Gods for this particular path of Feminine Awakening) in understanding the difference between synthetically puffing up his ego vs offering her devotion to the God that dwells within Him. 

"This is not ok!"

“This will set Feminism back 60 years!”

“You are in bed with the patriarchy!" 

"You are not being responsible for your influence...you have a platform!”

And still, ever more deeply into the inky darkness of her Desire  she blindly descends, knowing that he can take her more deeply than she could ever take herself. 

Every month her bank account, her sex, and her besotted love bear the marks of wettened, fattened atomic pulses of thrill. 

This is where the sticky bewitching magic of a woman who is in utter, shameless approval of the FULLNESS of her Eros ~  becomes very interesting. 

Because a woman who won't allow "external validation" to stop her from submitting to the deeper, darker tones of her Eros becomes un-shame-able. 

And an un-shame-able women embodying her full Feminine Eros is the most potent Creatrix who walks upon our planet. 

Feminine Eros is a sublime, monstrous thing.

It is terrible news for the Feminine Ego, 

and it holds the skeleton key to the wildest dreams you’ve never had.

A CALL TO MEN ON THE EVE OF THE DARKENED SUN

I have the incredible honor of having several thousand women in my spaces....several hundred in my more intimate orbits....and many dozen in my direct field.

AND HERE IS WHAT I CAN TELL YOU:

The women are THRASHING.

They are clawing at the men in their lives for stabilizing leadership for RIGHT and GOOD reason.

Women NEED the leadership of men right now (whether they want to consciously admit it or not....)

We need sturdy containers, strong fortitude, loving, wise direction, and steady holding.

If our RIGHTFUL NEEDS for Provision and Protection (energetically) are not met, it will drive us directly into the more primitive fear-soaked energetic states -- full on Feminine Pain Body implosion.

And as the psycho-emotional “tone/frequency carriers" within our homes, if the Feminine is de-stabilized or not being protected / provided for (meaning that she does not feel safe), then the ENTIRE FEELING TONE OF THE HOME will be withered, nervous and anorexic of the deeply healing function of Shakti, joy, tenderness, creativity and Eros.

THIS IS HOW WE CREATE ONE ANOTHER.

The masculine MUST place a dome of protection and provision (a borrowed term from the brilliant Erica Jade) around the Feminine and she in turn will GIVE BACK to you a radiant, abundant, soulful atmospheric tenor.

This is how it is SHE that contributes *vibrationally* to your legacy.

Key to this energetic circuitry is the fact that the Feminine is THE GREAT MULTIPLIER.

You give a woman a single teeny tiny (and yes: miraculous! seed and she gives you back a HUMAN BEING.

It is the wisest of men that give to their women protection / provision (even if "just" energetically) as they know that in turn, she shall multiply (through her BEINGNESS....her NON-DOINGNESS) and give BACK to him the magnified glory of what it is that he has bestowed upon her.

Of course, the inverse is also true: give to a woman your fear, your panic, your under-resourced anxiety, and she will return to you a mighty amplification of the burden you have laid upon her shoulders.

IF there ever has been a time in our lifetimes for the men to rise....THIS IS IT.

I don't care what anyone tells me or what sort of dramatic internet-smashing I get:

MEN ARE OUR PRIMAL LEADERS.

Said from a psychological perspective: leadership and warriorship is primarily encoded in the *MALE* unconscious (and therefore, their bodies) because the unconscious not only contains our primal, instinctive natures but also contains within it ancient imprints within our cellular and primordial memory*.

And in the grand arc of evolutionary biology......MEN HAVE BEEN OUR LEADERS and our PROTECTORS.

(*This is the reason why I have dreamt my whole life of Celtic image, song, and sky....although I am not overtly connected to my Irish roots.

ITS IN MY BLOOD....my body, and my unconscious gnosis. For male bodies, leadership and warriorship is in their BLOOD by virtue of having chosen to incarnate into male bodies within this lifetime.)

YET AGAIN (and again....): This does not mean that women cannot lead....but leadership is *in my lens* sourced in the masculine aspect of the human psyche --- which both men and women of course have access to!

What is occuring in the Animas Mundi (the Soul of the World that recognizes the deep, chthonic interconnectivity of all things) is a deep Dark Feminine call to decimate....to grind this archaic, fear-soaked, cataclysmically distorted capitalistic vortex TO. THE. GROUND.

There will be great, drenching grief woven through this time of The Great Re-Imagining that will impact us ALL, man and woman alike. It is the women....the deep Feminine....that will tend to the Anima Mundi...it is an organic extension of our nature, and our own Soul remembrance.

⚔️ The greatest act of service that men / The Masculine cab provide right now is terrestrial / 3D LEADERSHIP. ⚔️

Men, I deeply understand that you have fear.

I understand your wound templates and trauma imprints are getting seriously activated in this global trip-wire.

Annnnndddd.....I do not care.

I do not care that you are scared.....because I know you are so much greater than the sum of the parts of you where the fear is located.

I do not care that you are scared because I KNOW that YOU are BORN for this.

YOU are BUILT for this.

This is THE MOMENT in our lifetimes when you have the opportunity to RISE.....to provide for and protect energetically all those who are more vulnerable than you—

ie: THE FEMININE: the earth, your Beloved, your mother, sister, neighbor, elderly, children, and the creatures, big and small.

Here is what to do, from the voice / lens of the Feminine:

1. PROVIDE STABILZIING LEADERSHIP FOR YOUR WOMAN / The Feminine.

Seriously. To put it bluntly: If you collapse, you are harming your woman, because this forces her to compensate and migrate to her masculine. Her entire system will then armor up and enter a state of heightened vigilance. When chronic, this is bio-chemically devastating to her life-affirming emanation of Shakti, and more literally, to her Female operating system.

As Om Rupani teaches and states so brilliantly:

⚡️”When the Feminine goes into chaos, HOLD THE FORM."⚡️

This is literally the deepest gift men can offer women and the entire trembling collective right now.

To be clear: “Holding the form" does not mean a regressive gripping onto a calcified, archaic structure.....it means holding and implementing the vision and tones of *adaptive* leadership that will allow her...and ALL OF US....to stabilize.

Once the Feminine system / psyche is stabilized, we can then unleash the deeper harmonics of our *Oracular* GENIUS, our GNOSTIC Sight, our life-affirming Instinct, and the creational powers of our Feminine Eros. These qualities of the chthonic, deep Feminine....ps.....are precisely what this retemplatization of civilization is *directly* CALLING FOR. 🔥

2. Said plainly: SUPPORT HER EVOLUTIONARY NEED TO FORAGE and PREPARE for these days of the darkened sun ahead.

LOVING MEMO to the MALE BRAIN SORTS:

What you may call "irrational" just might save your life: the intelligence of the Womb and the Pussy is NO LESS than the intelligence of your tactical and strategically-oriented frontal cortex.

BELIEVE ME when I tell you that SHE is close to the ground on this thing....tracking this unprecedented force the way a shark tracks a single drop of blood from miles away.

The ancient wisdom of her soma is rarified and potent.

TRUST HER INSTINCTS and allow them to *influence* your strategy and direction.

This does not mean to collapse or enmesh into her chaos and/or destabilized system (should that be happening for her)....it means strategically incorporating her *instinctual wisdom* into your game-plan.

3. HANDLE YOUR SELF.

If you need support in order to erect your warrior aspect, GET IT.

💥CHOOSE YOUR COUNSEL CAREFULLY.💥

I suggest you seek counsel from highly-disciplined men who have been initiated into real-world leadership, warriorship, and some of the more timeless principles of Stoicism.

To be clear: I am not suggesting you deny your feelings....but they are SECONDARY TO DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

A man recently complained to me about the tough-love psychic medicine I was administering:

“But Gillian, I have feelings, too. I am not a robot. I am scared. I feel like I have a right to share that with my wife. "

Actually: NO.

There is a massive energetic difference between being a "robot" and being a LEADER. Men, it is ESSENTIAL that you LAND that distinction in your body.

IF you are a man that has this distinction bone-deep, TEACH IT TO THE OTHER MEN.

You can share your concern, but if we have men drunk on their own Masculine Pain Body -- which DIRECTLY COMPROMISES THEIR CAPACITY TO PROVIDE EFFECTIVE LEADERSHIP, then the curtains will close on this whole damn show.

"When you look at historic mistakes on the battlefield, there are almost always associated with fear and panic. So, the capacity to control these impulses is EXTREMELY important.”

- Captain Roger Herbert, former Commander of the Navy SEAL training program.

4. SERVE / GIVE: Check in more than you think you should on the elderly, the mamas, the single ladies. Be both a King and a Mensch. A woman never forgets the feeling of being remembered and cherished by a man....particularly so when the seas are stormy.

Check in and BUILD with other men to create a stronger eco-system of support.

You can be a mothertrucking HERO from behind your computer screen....but what you don't get to be right now is COMFORTABLE.

5. PROTECT YOUR PEOPLE: I take this very seriously. I don't know what this may require in the days ahead, but this is a call to the deepest place in you to do what's RIGHT for you and your family (friends, community.)

MEN: This is your moment.

You've been preparing for this for your whole life (actually, many lives.). You can be a warrior, a hero, AND keep yourself (and therefore your family) Safe

YOU ARE SO WILDLY LOVED AND NEEDED RIGHT NOW, MEN.

WE APPRECIATE YOU.

WE RESPECT YOU.

WE TRUST YOU.

AND WE THANK GOD FOR YOU.

GO BE MIGHTY ♥️

(Women: I hear you, I feel your frustration and tendrils of fear.

We are holding a special call in our group tonight to address *specifically* how you can support your man, men, and The Masculine to RISE without shaming or making them wrong. This is a MASSIVE Initiation for ALL OF US, and the flattened, deadened, disrespectful ways of relating to one another are OVER. I'll post the link to our group to join, should this feel resonant to you. 🌹)

The Feminine + The Forest : An Er0tic Love-Story

It seems I have accidentally moved to the Forest.

I am on a bit of a walk-about from LA, spending 2 months in Hawaii, returning to LA only to feel its edges far too jagged, its velocity knocking me off my feet, and its brightness all- too sharp.

Now it is Marin.....and despite envisioning modern homes designed by Eichler, the color of cloud and glass, we have found ourselves nested in a peculiarly magical cottage, teetering on the butter knife's edge of being unbearably woodsy for my modernist soul.

All around me: erudite redwood trees, wetted moss with its little tender cilia fur, fattened slugs down below and lean, screaming hawks high above.

And so it is into the Forest I now go, sitting on logs that smell of old rain and the noble rot of fallen ancient tree.

In these woods, I snarfle about, a sight I am sure: a strange criatura somewhere between priestess... .and truffle pig.

Suddenly seized by the slimy rapture of slug belly, I flip these fattened forest anemones onto their backs, deep in wild-eyed curiosity. (Slug police: I reset them properly once I am done with my inspections, which leave me at once repulsed and utterly enchanted.)

I watch my own fingers, suddenly naked and little girl-like as the phantom remnants of their snazzy LA manicures fade. I stick them inside fecund dirt and draw my ears close as they scratch at ghostly shards of antler bone.

And somehow, I realize..... I am finding me in this forest.

I am finding me in the darkened soil and the dappled sun, belly of grotesquely fattened slug, remnants of bone and rot.

I scratch and snuffle about, sticking nose and finger into nearly fleshly crevices of earthly delight.

I poke and bury, sometimes even taste, placing tongue against hallowed bark or swollen stamen, an amuse bouche for my deeper hungers.

There is a darkly enchanted ecstatic intimacy in this exploration. There is no bright tone of joy or even happiness when I descend into the Forest.

My tongue and womb and fingers animate with a deeply embodied gnosis and remembrance. It is my se, my instinct, and my body which *know* this place far more deeply and intimately than my mind.

It is in these small tastes of the wild that I have come to recognize as the place where the Feminine truly finds and restores herself.

Our grief spills onto the body of fallen baby bird, (or in the crashing of the sea), our remembrance and taste for life is found in victorious seedling or mighty oak.

Our se awakens to its deepest creational magic amidst the carnal circus of seeded, wetted forest floor.

THIS is where Eros dwells ....in the primordial wellspring of INSTINCT and of this wild. I am coming to understand that for the Feminine essence ones, DOWN we must go.

It is The Divine *AND* The Wild that is our deepest medicine, the deepest dwelling place of Feminine Eros.

An archetypal, mythical understanding of Nature and of Gaian wisdom has not been part of the my own Soul's topography in this lifetime. There are women, however, who not only carry this medicine deep within womb and psyche, they ARE this medicine.

My beloved client Kate, formally initiated as an "Underworld Guide" (omg) after many years of rigorous study and being lovingly/intentionally thrusted into the Underworld realms by the Grand Daddy of Soul-Crafting himself (Bill Plotkin) is lifting this Nature-based Feminine Initiation into a virtual circle. Her guidance and attunement with Eros is *exquisite*. She is both fully, wholly sovereign -- and-- an utterly submitted hand-maiden and Devotee of Eros -- and of the Deep Feminine.

Elemental Eros: An Archetypal Journey of Feminine Initiation through Nature.

The women are gathering; the circle begins 26 March.

Do reach out if the Wild is calling you.

It is NATURE herself that is the holy antidote to these riddled times.

(A note to the Marin Loves: I am slowly lifting out of the fecundity of the forest, and will be delighted to say a proper hello soon.

The original post on facebook can be found here